My #nomakeup Story

There’s been a whole trend of #nomakeup campaigns going on, people stripping off their external layers to reveal who they really are underneath. I really respect these people for being able to do that, for being able to present themselves, stripped bare and vulnerable to the world, opening themselves up to ridicule and hate. (It’s a bit like being a blogger, isn’t it! We write our hearts and souls out, just so people can try to tear us down with their hateful comments lol)

But honestly, we all try hard to hide who we really are every single day of our lives. And I’m not just talking about concealer for my blemishes, I’m talking putting on happy fronts to hide the fact we cry alone at night; talking big and boasting shit when we’re really insecure about where we are in our lives; and the most common of all – trying to act like we actually know what we’re doing, when, come on, you know and I know and everybody knows that nobody ever really knows what the hell they’re doing. Most of the time. Even for all their life.

So there’s been a call to share our own #nomakeup stories too – who are we underneath it all? Well, I decided to do one of my own. I’m gonna strip it all. And by all I mean EVERYTHING. I’m gonna take off every bit of my makeup, my clothes, my skin, my flesh, my bones… until all you’re left with is my heart, my mind, my psyche – what makes me ME.

I am going to reveal all the worst parts of me. Terrible, terrible things that I’ve either known about myself for a while or am reminded of when things happen, that I struggle with, in private, on my own, every single day of my life. (I’ve actually removed a whole lot more that used to be there, but these are the ones that are left, and so many are they still!)

These are things that nobody can help me with except myself. These are things that open me up to criticism and hate and anger – and trust me, this includes a whole lot of self-criticism, self-hate, and self-anger. These are the things that are the most awful about me, that I want away, that I fight myself with every day.

I’m not afraid to admit these things, because I know every single day I am working on them. There are days I fail – and those are the days that people will see and people will remember – and there are days I succeed – and those are the days that nobody sees and nobody celebrates except me. But the point is that I will never give up. And hopefully, one day, when you strip me bare, you won’t see any of these things at all. And that will be the tale of the true #nomakeup beauty. But till then, while I’m trying to become more beautiful, on the inside, where it counts, here are the ugliest parts of me:

1) I am an attention whore. I’m really not sure if this has something to do with being an extreme extrovert, but I not only thrive on attention, I seek it. I am someone who actually enjoys being in the spotlight. And when people don’t give it to me – and in the exact way that I require it – I act out.

2) Passive-aggression is my go-to weapon. I don’t know any other way. It comes on naturally and instinctively. I don’t like saying unkind things, I don’t like confronting people, and I don’t like thrashing stuff out. I avoid conflict as much as possible. BUT, I still feel I need to get my point across. So I become passive-aggressive. Sarcasm will leak out of me like a lethal gas. And yes, most times I am unaware of it. By the time I realize it, I’ve killed an entire city.

3) I overthink. A lot. Again, I don’t know if this has something to do with my hyperactive brain that is always, always in overdrive Sports mode and never seems to take a rest – even in the last few minutes before I fall asleep. And if you leave me alone by myself for two minutes, my mind’s at it again. That’s why I have to keep busy, otherwise I get restless, frantic to be left alone with my mind. Solitude is my worst enemy, it seems.

I need to stop overthinking. I need to stop looking deeper into things than at face value. I need to stop assuming that people mean certain things when they don’t. Why do I put meaning into things when there are none? Why do I see things in between lines where they don’t exist? Like optical illusions, my mind tricks me into thinking it’s real.

4) And then I overreact. Not a lot, I can be quite rational usually (only in recent years of course, it took years to come to this point) – but sometimes, yes, I unfortunately overreact. And then I overthink and overreact at the same time. Which is just CHAOS IN MY BRAIN. And something explodes, like a grenade, or a ticking time bomb, a disaster waiting to happen. Why is this happening? What can I do? Was it something I did? How do I make this situation better? And I freak out. When apparently, all I need to do is relax and stop thinking about it. Actually, NOT THINK AT ALL. And let whatever happens happen.

I think the only way I can do that is to stop completely. To switch off that part of the brain. Like when I feel like I’m starting to overthink, I should tell myself, “Ok, stop thinking. It’s nothing. You are assuming again. That’s bad. Think about something else. Like flying zebras.”

Maybe I should actually take a moment, a time-out to calm myself down and take deep breaths and tell myself: STOP THINKING. ENJOY THE MOMENT. STOP READING INTO IMAGINARY THINGS. It’s like a disease that infects me, and infects everything around me, everything I touch.

5) I expect too much. From everything and everyone. I’m such a perfectionist that I expect the world to be perfect – including, actually especially, myself. Well, nonsense, that’s not possible, there’s no such thing in this world. BUT I EXPECT PEOPLE TO AT LEAST TRY. And why? Because I do? But I fail to remember that as much as I am a gazillion light-years away from becoming that ideal version of myself, so are other people. So yes, I really need to expect less. Or don’t expect at all. (Extremely difficult to do, of course) Maybe I should pick up mental archery and shoot down every single expectation bubble or balloon that appears in my mind. *POP* *POP* *POP* Then at least the sky can be clear again. (Except for the flying zebras. They’re allowed.)

6) I’m arrogant. Yes, there are times I feel damn outright superior and self-righteous, usually when it’s something I’m goddamn sure of, something I strongly believe in, or something that, to me, is pretty damn obvious! But yeah well, why do I feel that people need to hear what I think, my opinion, my advice? People don’t need it. They can live their lives any damn way they please – it’s their lives. I am not better than somebody else at living their life. Why am I only humble and take advice from others when I deem them credible enough? Everyone has something to teach us. Shouldn’t I be humble with everyone?

And that is why I blog. Some people share their opinions with others – I started blogging for my own reflections and growth. I started my blog when I was depressed and needed to understand myself better and get out of that funk, and get happy. It’s always been a personal agenda, a personal mission of sorts, and I need to vow to keep it that way and never sidetrack into dishing out stuff that isn’t personal, that isn’t something I’ve personally learnt, and always keep it about me learning more things about ME.

7) I need to trust myself more. And stop seeking approval from all the people around me. It’s everything – even when I’m shopping, I can’t trust my own taste, sometimes I even ask the salesgirl which colour looks better on me! And I can never trust myself when it matters the most – perspectives, attitudes, decisions. I have zero EQ when it comes to trusting myself. I would rather ask people for their opinion and see if it’s relevant to me and whether I can apply it, than admit to myself that maybe the answers are in me all along. I would rather turn to “expert” authors and bloggers and friends than trust my own instincts. Ridiculous, I know, but I’ve never had good results from trusting myself, and so I am pretty much scarred in this area. I really need to give myself a chance.

8) I need to stop thinking that we should treat others the way we would want to be treated. Yes, I was brought up on this Golden Rule, but you know what, apparently it doesn’t actually work in real life. I always feel like I’m giving 100% to people but only getting 50% back, and it hurts to feel shortchanged. But what it is is really just a difference in love languages, so to speak. What is important to me may not be important to them. I might value something that they might consider casual or trivial. That’s where a lot of conflicts arise for me, because we are simply speaking different languages and I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s key to find out exactly what language someone else speaks – I don’t have to speak their language, but then I can’t expect them to speak mine either.

And there you go. Those are probably the Top 8 worst things about me. I know, I know, I suck. I have a lot to work on. It’s tough. I struggle. I fail. A lot. Isn’t it a wonder I can actually still remain happy every day knowing how much I fail? Ha! But there it is. Out in the open for all to see. You can point fingers and criticize me now. But know this: I am a work in progress. And one day I will be a masterpiece. Till then, this is my #nomakeup story. What’s yours?

Advertisements

One thought on “My #nomakeup Story

  1. My #nomakeup story would 99% repeat yours with some extra points, like:
    1. I expect other people to make me happy. Because every time I did it, it brought to me lots of pain and disappointment. Not everyone has my best interests in heart, and seems like everyone has more important things to do in their lives. I myself should learn to be in charge of my own happiness and emotional safety.
    2. I don’t know how to rely on myself and be my own best friend. I noticed that what I want from other people (to feel confident, safe, loved, cared for) is what I lack inside, and that it would be great (and it’s possible) to generate it inside, so no one can take it away. I mean, if you rely on someone to feel wholesome, what will you be left with if they disappear for whatever reason. Who will stay with you until the last moment no matter what? Yourself!
    Thank you for sincere post!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s