Are You There, Love? It’s Me.

*beep*

Hey? Are you there, love? It’s me. Yeah, I knew I’d get your voicemail. Sorry for all those drunk messages I left you late at night desperately questioning where you are all the time. I was lonely. That’s no excuse, I know, but loneliness sometimes does strange things to me, makes me a little crazy. I just wanted you to know that I’ve gotten help with that. I forced myself to be alone with myself, and guess what, I’m absolutely fine with that now. I can totally be by myself and enjoy my own company. Turns out, it’s not so difficult to make yourself laugh. I laugh all the time now.

I’m sorry there was a period where I was a bit obsessed about you and calling you all the time and thinking about you 24/7. Things have changed. Right now, I’m super dedicated to myself. I’m focused on pursuing my passions and interests and growing as a person. And I hope that you are too, because if I ever met you again, I’d love it if you were the best version of yourself, the way that I’m the best version of myself now, only because us being the best versions of ourselves would just be completely awesome. And we could push each other to become even better versions of ourselves – imagine all that potential for growth! Wow!

I know once upon a time I told you that I would want you only if you fulfilled a list of conditions. I know, I know, I had a grocery list of must-haves and dealbreakers. Okay, fine, some of them weren’t even very rational. But you know what? I don’t feel that way anymore. You’re welcome to come however you wish. I don’t have a type, you know that. Well, scratch that, I’ll always have a type. But it’s got nothing to do with how you look – it’s more of how you… make me feel, I guess? When I’m with you, you should make me feel… alive. Actually, since I’m already living my life in the most amazing way I know how, and already feel alive every single day, being with you should make me feel ALIVER, if there ever was such a thing. (I don’t care, I’m coining that word now.)

I don’t know how exactly it should feel, but I think it should be easy, natural, free? No pressure, no stress, no mind-boggling games, no doubts, no funny feelings something’s not right. And I promise that I’m gonna be completely 100% open to you. Yeah, you’ve hurt me before in the past, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna lock up my heart in a chest and have it guarded by a fire-breathing dragon. Next time, we’ll start afresh, okay? You don’t deserve to be penalised for all the mistakes you made as a different person. You deserve my heart, my soul. Yeah, it’s a huge emotional risk to take, but I’m willing to take it. Sometimes you just gotta take some risks in life, isn’t it? Not immediately, of course. But when it feels right, I will. I’ll give you all of me.

Just to make it clear, I’m not waiting for you to come rescue me or make me feel whole or make me happier or anything. I’m not empty. I’m not broken. I don’t need fixing. I’m not miserable. I’m actually… pretty good! I like the way things are now in my life. I know what I want, I know what I’m worth, and I won’t settle for less. Hmm, come to think of it, I don’t really need anything. I’ve got everything I need, I’m living the life that I want… I guess whether you come my way or not isn’t that important right now, but well, I still have to say, it’d be nice. It’d be nice to have someone complement – not complete – me. Kinda like, my life’s like a gigantic sundae of ice cream topped with hot fudge topped with whipped cream… and you can kinda be the cherry on top. What say you?

But, but! Only if you’re happy too. I choose to be happy everyday, so I hope you do too, because then we can choose to be happy together. Only if you are also in a good place in your life, and crave adventure and peace and music, can take a few minutes everyday to appreciate the beauty of a sunset or a rainbow, and are willing to enjoy little moments and create sweet memories with me. I don’t want you so I can have you and hold on to you. I want to share myself with you, the bits of me that I know you’ll appreciate. I want to inspire you, as much as you inspire me. I want to be able to share you with the world because you’ll bring joy to people as much as you’ll bring joy to me.

So yeah, I think I’ve said all I needed to say. Thanks for listening to me. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t think I was ready for you before, but I am now. Just so you know, I’m not going to look for you anymore. Because I know that one day, while I’m just minding my own business being awesome, you’ll turn up. Somewhere. In a cosy cafe, on a hiking trail, walking along the river… I don’t know where exactly, but you’ll be there, and I’ll be there, and we’ll just bump into each other, and you’ll smile, and I’ll smile. And we’ll just know. And I’ll say, “Why, hello love. It’s been a while.”

*beep*

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