I thought crushes were the kind of thing one outgrows, like rain wellies and Barney (the dinosaur, not Stinson) and ice pops (I’ve outgrown none of those though). Adults don’t get crushes. You either get super crazy attracted to someone and just want to bone them all night long, or you develop these deep, meaningful feelings for them over time and want to make babies with them and start clans with family crests and build tents and sandcastles and four-wheel bicycles. Right?
Crushes are not practical. That nauseous feeling of having butterflies doing cartwheels in your tummy (okay, I may have mixed up my idioms here)? Totally unnecessary, especially before a business presentation or conference call.
The way your fingers drum incessantly on the table or the way your leg shakes like a humping dog in overdrive when you sit at your desk? Extremely annoying! Why isn’t there an ‘Off’ button? And oh gawd, the looooooooong pauses in between typing each sentence – or even trying to finish a sentence! – because you get insanely distracted by all these thoughts running amok in your head, it’s like playing catching with the waves at high tide? Terribly unproductive and a complete waste of time!
And surely the frequency at which you’re experiencing these spikes in your heart rate must be some cause for alarm? Your resting heart rate has been totally screwed up as it is. And let’s not even get onto the topic of concentrating in yoga class.
When you close your eyes, all you see is them. I mean, what’s up with that? That makes it very hard to envision anything else during a creative brainstorming session! When you’re busy typing a document or an email, that niggling urge at the back of your brain that forces your hand against your will to go to your Camera Roll and look at their picture? Totally disruptive! And that kind of lack of control is simply appalling! You’re an adult, for goodness’ sake! You should know NOT to eat ALL the Halloween candy at one go.
And that they are the last thing you think of every night when you sleep? Terrible, just terrible. Don’t you know that the last thing you think about is more often than not going to be the very first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning? That extremely useful tool should be used only for the important tasks you need to remember – like to-do lists and meeting schedules – and not wasted on unavailable, unreachable, unattainable people whom you just want to hold in your arms for, like, forever.
But the worst thing of all about having a, pfft, adult crush? I guess it’s probably the same thing as having a crush as a teen. The fact that they might never know. *nods solemnly* Hopefully, just like a teen crush, it’ll slip away as innocuously as it came, and you’ll be normal again soon. One can only hope.