Something happened yesterday which took me by surprise and just overwhelmed me to the point of un-cry. Yeah, that’s when my chest gets all filled up with sadness and upset and yet I can’t seem to cry cuz my body and mind are aware it’s not really worth crying over. Amazing, isn’t it, this subconscious of mine.
Anyway basically I’ve been meeting a lot of douchebags lately. And when one exceptional asshole is now happy with a girlfriend, it kinda makes you think a little. I wouldn’t call it a moment of insecurity, but a genuine ponderment as to what exactly I might be doing wrong that the world had seen justice in giving that certain kind of happiness to someone who hurt me so badly.
I’ll be honest, I do think I’m pretty fucking awesome. I have gone through a lot in life, come out all the better, I love my life now, am always excited to experience more of it in a kaleidoscope of ways, and I have a lot to offer, whether in a professional or personal sense.
A couple of days ago someone whose opinion I respect quite a bit told me this:
And also this:
This, which I’m trying very hard to apply in my life. I must admit, I haven’t been making very good decisions lately. This has to change.
Anyway what happened last night was the culmination of a series of events that have made me question the above two statements. What happened to valuing yourself and finding people who will value you? It seems that what people value – is not what I have to offer. Am I trying to supply something that’s not in demand? Anyone who knows Business 101 will know that’s a terrible idea.
I had conversations with two guys last night. One was straight, one was gay. And yet both told me the same thing: It’s a meat market. It’s always a competition. Especially in dating. Sure, you want someone to like you for your personality and your brains and all that. But nobody’s gonna see any of it unless they’re first attracted to you to begin with. I suppose it’s the same truth as on online dating – you read someone’s profile only after their picture made you click first.
But it’s a sad truth. One that I somehow refuse to believe – that people are so shallow. And I don’t think I should “sell-out” and change (I’ve been told I need to lose weight, look prettier, dress better, act sexier, make more of an effort etc) to pander to anyone else.
And yet I understand it’s a fact that if people aren’t presented with a situation in which to get to know me in – say at school, work, some outside group – then yeah, I’m not really considered good looking enough to attract anyone, much less keep them hanging around. They’ll leave for the next prettier thing that catches their eye.
If that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, then it makes me feel like my entire life has been a waste. All that time I had been getting an education, growing in knowledge, improving on my personal self, becoming a better person, pursuing my passions and dreams… Why does it matter that I love life with a passion? Why does it matter I pursue creative things like dance and songwriting? Why does it matter that I have a great deal of experience in being an understanding, supportive girlfriend who has never once raised her voice in any (rare) argument? Why should any of that matter – when all I should have been doing was spending time at the dermatologist’s, the hair stylist’s, the dentist’s, the gym?
Of course, at the end of the day, it matters – to me. Because I live for myself. I am the only one who has to live with myself. Doing what I love makes me happy. And right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in these regards. I haven’t lived a life this full and this satisfying in a while. And it’s satisfying in a way that’s different than being in a relationship is satisfying. I could do all this and be in a relationship. Or I could do all this and not be in a relationship. But I couldn’t be in a relationship and not do all this, gawd no. So maybe my priorities are a little skewed. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I can “sell-out” and spend too much time and effort trying to look like someone else I think people will like so they will accept me for who I am (how could you possibly miss the irony in that?!)
And maybe that person I’m looking for who can offer me in return exactly what I have to offer them does exist. Somewhere. Someone who is serious and fun at the same time, has done a bit of growing up and is a better person now, and who’s excited about a future with me. Too much to ask for? Yeah, maybe. I’ll just focus on me for now. Until someone un-shallow comes along. Till then.